Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
