it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
