I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize