i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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