alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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