from now on my penis is your penis
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
