My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
