I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
