There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The Olympian is in my bed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
