I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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