I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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