i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
