is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
