i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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