My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
