if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
