had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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