I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
