So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
