using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
