My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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