This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
