i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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