So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
