yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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