can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
