I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
