I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
