So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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