Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
