I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Be still, my beating vagina.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
