why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I AM VODKA MAN
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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