Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
