Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
