So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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