I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Floor bacon is actually really good
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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