so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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