dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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