i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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