I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
