Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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