good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
