Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize