sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
