Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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