god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
