I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
