She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
