I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
