Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I AM VODKA MAN
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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