White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
