A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
