can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
