god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
