K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
