I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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