Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
