Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
