Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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