i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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