my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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