the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
