It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
